Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Babies 'R' Us Rant

I have never in my life seen so much stuff that no one could possible need in one place. Really. Just because the item is smaller and they label it "baby" doesn't mean that if you have a baby you need it. Here's to those who make their money by undermining the confidence of soon-to-be and new parents, seducing them with their shiny shelves and orthodontic, BPA-free, self-sanitizing pacifiers (with matching cases you can purchase for $6.99). 

I thought it would be fun to look at a sampling of what Baby Mecca has to offer:

Giving your child a head start in life is a task not to be taken lightly. Exhibit A: The Baby Plus Prenatal Education System. Strap this fannypack-esque baby on and grow your baby's brain. $150 is a perfectly reasonable price for a item whose effectiveness cannot be tested or proven, right? I mean, not buying it would be shooting Junior in his developmental foot.

She loves her kid more than you love yours.

Next up: Baby Surveillance. Traditional baby monitors are a thing of the past. Now you can install a terrible quality camcorder to watch your baby sleep. This is great because opening a door quietly is really hard. Another bonus is that at night, it shines LED lights on Junior so as not to interfere with your ability to stare at the him at the darkest of hours. Sure, his retinas may detach because you never let his eyes rest, but hey, it's worth it. Just to be safe. Also, as he grows up you can mount it in his car... a product that adapts to your child's age: priceless (or $180).
The 007 Baby Line

Next up on the must-have list is this car seat travel bag. Since the car seat wasn't designed with travel in mind, this is a definite need. At $50, who could say no?
Case or no case, that sucker is not fitting in an overhead bin. But it is a sexy look.

Do you remember those days when you would crawl around and your knees would get dirty and *gasp* bruised? No? Well, if you did it would be a bad memory. Protect your child from a bad experience they will never remember with these little babies. Now Junior can slip and slide on hard surfaces in pathetic attempts to move rather than sustain the horrid injuries you were subjected to. A steal at $3/pair.

How did generations of people get through family road trips with out a handy-dandy portable training potty? Well, for all those times you wished for a pee container that goes back in the car with you after use, your prayers have been answered. After all, making a child go at a rest stop or gas station is simply absurd.
Who wouldn't want to scar their child by making them poo on the side of the road?


  1. ok, this was the funniest post i have read in a long long time. I TOTALLY agree with you. My kids are grown and when they were little, they had NONE of this stuff and they turned out awesome. Although, I was a little jealous of the diaper genie when it came out because I used cloth diapers and remember dipping them in the toilet BEFORE letting them soak in a diaper pail. Apparently my kids were neglected.

  2. I know, right! I have 4 younger siblings. We had pacifiers, burp rags, diapers and such, but there comes a time when the amount of paraphernalia becomes ridiculous. I'm glad you agree. I was honestly a little afraid some supermom was going to rip me a new one. :)

  3. No way do you need all the stuff. Sure, some inventions are great (pack n play) but others... a waste of money and room. And who lets their kid pee on the side of the road? Not even taking pedophiles into consideration, it's so not safe. Jake would sit there for about three seconds and then make a bolt for the street.

  4. Okay, this gave me a great laugh this morning! ;)

    My girls are 12 and 14 1/2 and we didn't have any of this stuff either. We did have a basic baby monitor which was a waste of money because baby 1 slept with me due to lots of sickness and baby 2 had her crib in our room.

    On the rare occasion I walk through a store and say "oh that would have been handy" but most of the stuff is just plain ridiculous.